Tuesday, August 19, 2014

You just saw yer pain

I hate selfpity, I really do. I hate when the stupid idiots are trying to fool everyone else while they're just fooling themselves. This is not a self pity, this is a pure rage.
Working yer butt off for years and years just to know now, it's all for nothing. It was all completely worthless. I know everyone say just keep working you get there eventually! You might have the super bad fails but you will suceess if you keep on trying. But the truth if the more fails that's happening the less streght you have to keep on going, you loose the will to fight, you loose the flame that it was all worth while. And even if you success, the sucess sucked, it was a flop and it went straight to the trash-can.

I don't feel like trying anymore, I don't feel like giving my best when knowing my best was nothing, when I know my whole childhood, the teen years that have passed are just pure shit. I'm not suicidal, that shit is fucking stupid, nothing but selfishness. But I don't want to try anymore, I don't want to fight, I feel like giving up. And what make this all worst, this town, this town is nothing, I hate this town, and everything about it. The anger, I can't get it out, no matter how hard I try and everyone who've said the empty fucking words, Yer strong, you can do this, just keep fighting.
My life is for me, not for YOU, not for anyone else then me. Don't you tell me what I am or not, don't tell me what I can or cannot do.. And never tell me what I should do.

It's my life, my business, if yer plans is for me to pity you, support you and be by your side, fine. But don't think that goes free. I need support too, I need to talk to someone too, but everything I've felt that need I've always got the cold back. After that, I don't pity anyone. You have yer own problems I have mine, let's keep it to that.

Friday, August 01, 2014

She spend her whole life trying to forget

So the last days. The last 15 days I've been suffering from gastric catarrh, I thought it was from the worry of the school start, like when does it start? Where am I supposed to go? What buss should I catch? What train? Where can I get a bike?  But no, I've had worst stuff to worry about than that. But what I believe it is, is; my mother. Also by brother.
But first of my mom. I just have hard times letting go. I'm a 18 year old and I still hold my moms hand when they'll take a little blood from me. I still want her around, I want her to come with me to stuff becuz I feel safer then, and the thought about leaving her alone... I feel like she needs me more then I need her ...just makes me sick to my stomach. And....

It's been 13 months, one year and a month sense I've heard for my brother. Just few weeks ago I tried to contact him, I told him about my dreams that have been haunting me. The dreams I've had so many of this past year... I meet him and he's actually happy to see me, it's the same dream every day and I know I'm supposed to take that as a sign that he'll be happy to seem me but here's the things...
1. I don't believe in signs.
2 If he'd be happy to see me, I'm sure he'd answer my messanges I've sent him.

What makes this even more painful, is all the memories, all the bad, all the good.How I let him down, if I had followed him to the train station, if I'd keep awake to talk to him during nights, If I'd watch those animes he suggested, everything would be fine, I can't help but blame myself. I'd do anything, anything it took to have my big brother back! I never knew a life without him and now when he's no here! I just can't.

Thursday, July 24, 2014

It's a break up and a new start

Don't get fooled by the title, they both are two different subject, first off I deleted all my posts! And now I'm starting over, with better and not constant posts.
To the other thing...

The break up, it's not break up between me and my boyfriend, no. But this is for me and my best friend or ex-best friend. Ex-friend. A few days ago, Emelie she wrote to me to hang out, so we did, we brought ice cream and talked, laughed at joked and she told me a story about stuff and blah blah blah, something I reacted to:
Everytime I wanted to do something, she was always busy, she constantly reacted my invitations, made me feel less important. It started when she meet her friend in her own class around a years ago, it was all fun and game at first but the hints slightly traveled in and it took me quite hard, from being inseparable to.. Separable.
She passed my whole clan, I called her name tried to get her attention, nothing worked. Then she said she didn't see me or hear, quite the good acting. She knew my class she always looks for me, so that was just bullcrap.
Then it began with the "We start in 15 min, we better get going!" they were a door away, it doesn't take 15 or even one minute to take walk that. She started to forget me at school, her five-15 min extra sleep was more important then walking with me in the cold weather in 40 min to school.
Everything she did a year, I cried over it at my boyfriend's place. And he didn't like the way she'd turned out to be.
One other thing that hit me! We had sucha plans. We were going to move together, a joke said we were totally gonna own a cat, fat cat called Benard! Hehe... But then she changed those and told me that her and her friend was going away somewhere. I scold her and she tried to deffend herself with the useless shit she always does.

... So the night we sat there and talking after she finished her long story on how fun she had with her crush her firned and another dude. I could do nothing but listen and get pissed. If she never was so busy, couldn't she give me a call? A text? Anything?! No, becuz she was so busy and she didn't plan that!
She said we'd fallen like that, we're no longer in same class or school even, well more then half her dear friends is like that.
She also told me some people grow apart, she's right, we should have realized that long ago.
I'm tired of her, I'm tired of pleasing her, I'm tried of being nice and stand there listening her. her complaining, her problems, always comforting her and be the one who she always turns to! But in the end she could never stand for me. I really hope she reads this, let her know I've had enough. I have had enough by her framing me for stuff I've never told! Never did.
Well if she is reading this I'll let her know. When posh comes to shove I'll always be there for you, but one thing is for sure, I'll never forgive you, nor be yer friend anymore. We're over. That's final.

I don't have time for you no more, I have more important stuff to do then listen to yer voice. I have more interesting things to do then take yer crap. I've had enough.

Just becuz this isn't between me and my boyfriend, it doesn't mean it doesn't hurt.

If I let you know, I'm here for you
Maybe you'll love yourself like I love you.