Tuesday, August 19, 2014

You just saw yer pain

I hate selfpity, I really do. I hate when the stupid idiots are trying to fool everyone else while they're just fooling themselves. This is not a self pity, this is a pure rage.
Working yer butt off for years and years just to know now, it's all for nothing. It was all completely worthless. I know everyone say just keep working you get there eventually! You might have the super bad fails but you will suceess if you keep on trying. But the truth if the more fails that's happening the less streght you have to keep on going, you loose the will to fight, you loose the flame that it was all worth while. And even if you success, the sucess sucked, it was a flop and it went straight to the trash-can.

I don't feel like trying anymore, I don't feel like giving my best when knowing my best was nothing, when I know my whole childhood, the teen years that have passed are just pure shit. I'm not suicidal, that shit is fucking stupid, nothing but selfishness. But I don't want to try anymore, I don't want to fight, I feel like giving up. And what make this all worst, this town, this town is nothing, I hate this town, and everything about it. The anger, I can't get it out, no matter how hard I try and everyone who've said the empty fucking words, Yer strong, you can do this, just keep fighting.
My life is for me, not for YOU, not for anyone else then me. Don't you tell me what I am or not, don't tell me what I can or cannot do.. And never tell me what I should do.

It's my life, my business, if yer plans is for me to pity you, support you and be by your side, fine. But don't think that goes free. I need support too, I need to talk to someone too, but everything I've felt that need I've always got the cold back. After that, I don't pity anyone. You have yer own problems I have mine, let's keep it to that.

Friday, August 01, 2014

She spend her whole life trying to forget

So the last days. The last 15 days I've been suffering from gastric catarrh, I thought it was from the worry of the school start, like when does it start? Where am I supposed to go? What buss should I catch? What train? Where can I get a bike?  But no, I've had worst stuff to worry about than that. But what I believe it is, is; my mother. Also by brother.
But first of my mom. I just have hard times letting go. I'm a 18 year old and I still hold my moms hand when they'll take a little blood from me. I still want her around, I want her to come with me to stuff becuz I feel safer then, and the thought about leaving her alone... I feel like she needs me more then I need her ...just makes me sick to my stomach. And....

It's been 13 months, one year and a month sense I've heard for my brother. Just few weeks ago I tried to contact him, I told him about my dreams that have been haunting me. The dreams I've had so many of this past year... I meet him and he's actually happy to see me, it's the same dream every day and I know I'm supposed to take that as a sign that he'll be happy to seem me but here's the things...
1. I don't believe in signs.
2 If he'd be happy to see me, I'm sure he'd answer my messanges I've sent him.

What makes this even more painful, is all the memories, all the bad, all the good.How I let him down, if I had followed him to the train station, if I'd keep awake to talk to him during nights, If I'd watch those animes he suggested, everything would be fine, I can't help but blame myself. I'd do anything, anything it took to have my big brother back! I never knew a life without him and now when he's no here! I just can't.